Daddy Issues

Do you know what it is like to be self aware and watch yourself fall into Daddy Issue traps?

It is quite frustrating, and ultimately ridiculous.

I’ve paid all kinds of people money to listen to me let go of these issues.  I’ve proved my healing with triathalons, yoga classes, meditation.  This is really how it happened, let me catch you up.

You got your tea?

Ok. So, the love of my life gave me this enormous reality check.  Behind my back he had gotten married and divorced for papers (yes during our relationship), bought a house and gotten re – engaged.

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My reaction wasn’t pretty.  We won’t go through how I landed that winner.  I mean . . . well . . . hell not trusting my instincts had a lot to do with it.

So back on track.  I mourned, vowed celibacy and didn’t date for 8 months.  I took care of myself, spent money on that new age healing stuff, deepened my prayer and fasting life, took to journaling and  by the end of it all, I was FINE.  My skin was glowing, body together, and I had a lil bit of some swag.  I was ready.  I really was.  I was goin meet my husband this time.

And it is sooo funny, because soon as I was ready to date,  the first three guys I dated gave me the instinct, “This is my husband.”  Next thing I know,I’m serving a nigga (I LOVE to serve BTW – that is my love language.)  I’m checking in, opening up, sending emails, planning nice dates.  I’m reverting.  Going back to needing them.  Going back to ignoring signs. Of course, when you try too hard guess what?  You break stuff.  So, these dudes eventually, all three.  Ran away.  They just stopped calling. . . and me of all people.  I am sensitive, fine, ambitious, hardworking and in your corner!!! You ain’t leaving me!AQWIa7

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have good hygiene, cause I have to look myself in that dang mirror to wash thangs. Dang mirror.  And then, I paid all these people this money, so I have all of this awakening and empowerment that says grow the hell up.  Even though it is easier to say it was them.  It is easier to say, oh . . . he wasn’t ready.  Oh . . .  he wasn’t mature, he a liar, he deceitful.

No.  I’m owning my stuff. Forget them.  I can’t think about their issues.  I’m working on mines.

So I’m dealing with why.  Why am I serving dudes who don’t give me hardly anything more than a compliment and a meal?  Daddy Issues.  You give me an ounce of attention.  I’m ready. I call it. You goin be the one to make it all right.  Next thing I know, I’m wide open. We’ve gone on two dates . . . “sure I’ll give you my time, heart, thoughts, consideration, and affection.”

It doesn’t work like that. But, as I look deeper.  I also have to give myself credit.  I don’t like being vulnerable, and haven’t always been emotionally available in the past.  I’m seemingly overcompensating. I like that, even if I am going to the extreme with it.  I now can identify it.

Welp, on to the next one.  I simply adore men, so  I’m not bout to sit here and dry up.  Just saying.  I’m goin learn, so I’m ready when he comes.

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Getting sick and tired of wasting my own time over here. Well, at least I’m learning, Hello!

Disclaimer.  I love you Daddy. You know home life wasn’t always pretty back then, so I’m working through some thangs. But I love you and things are wayy different now. Amen!

Be Happy Ya’ll . . . It’s a choice.

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